Isn't Life Scary Enough?

What are you supposed to do in October if you’re not into spooky shit? I feel like there’s something wrong with me. There is no hint of the spirit of Puritan Salem in this Massachusetts girl. I am the Ebenezer Scrooge of Halloween.

I’ve been to one Halloween party since I was a child, the year I transitioned. I went as Dorothy to a local queer event and ended up meeting two gay guys who were dressed as the Scarecrow and the Lion. I don’t even own a single Halloween decoration. It’s as if the whole holiday hits every house on my block and skips right over mine.

I just don’t get it. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don’t like being scared, I have enough of that lying in bed at night terrorizing myself at the thought of there being no afterlife.

Even worse, those anti-spooky tastes extend into the movie theater for me. Now I love the movies. I love the small box of popcorn and the Twizzlers or Peanut M&M’s I always order. I love the previews and getting excited for the next big movie to come out. The collective gasps and laughter.

If I was made of money, I would go to the movies every day.

I couldn’t be more jealous of the horror movie girlies. They get fresh, innovative, gripping filmography, and I get… Spiderman.

But I simply do not watch horror movies and I feel weird about it. I just don’t get it. I’ve seen a few, of course. The ubiquitous I Know What You Did Last Summer series of my teenage years, or Final Destination. I remember watching Disturbia. More recently I really enjoyed I Saw the TV Glow. I haven’t seen Camp Miasma and probably won’t. I don’t know, it’s just not for me.

I’ve seen none of the iconic horror movies. No Psycho, no Silence of the Lambs. You name it, I haven’t seen it. Of IMDB’s top 100 horror movies of all time list, I’ve seen five of them (ironically I have seen Jeepers Creepers, which is number 101 on the list). I was surprised to see 2010’s Joy Ride on the list, as I’ve seen it and didn’t think it was very good.

Now here’s the problem: most of the good original movies coming out in the last few years have been horror movies. Backrooms and Obsession both look amazing. Last year brought Sinners, which I did manage to see on a bright, airy summer day with all the lights on in my apartment. It was fun. Michael B. Jordan was brilliant and I enjoyed it, but I didn’t love it as much as others did.

I couldn’t be more jealous of the horror movie girlies. They get fresh, innovative, gripping filmography, and I get… Spiderman. Or the infinite grayness of The Odyssey.

I miss the days of my youth, when studios still cranked out mid-budget thrillers, or court room dramas, or rom coms. Sadly, Hollywood today will only give medium money to directors for horror films, or huge budgets for IP slop like Marvel.

I mean, do we really need a straight to streaming Matchbox movie? Couldn’t they have hired a good director, crew, and actors to make a legal drama?

Where is the modern day Pelican Brief? Or The Firm? I want creepy hitmen stalking young lawyers who stumbled into a vast conspiracy by accident again. But it seems that Hollywood has lost the ability to make such movies.

Instead we get endless, innovative, gripping horror stories. Ugh. I’m so jealous.

But there’s no reason why it has to stay this way. I was hoping the success of a film like Backrooms, which earned over $400 billion at the box office off a budget of just $10 million, would show Hollywood executives that more low-budget, original films across genres are worth investing in.

But the filmmaking business is vastly more spreadsheet-based than story-based these days. They know they can put out a Spiderman movie and make hundreds of billions of dollars. Or some other IP slop they understand they will see a return on. But original movies are more of a risk.

You can’t convince me that a well written movie about plucky underdogs finding justice against the rich, powerful, and corrupt wouldn’t do well right now.

The last few weeks have seen Digger in theaters. By all accounts it is a unique, compelling film that has prompted a wide variety of responses. At the very least, you can tell the movie made people think about whether they loved it or hated it. I saw a preview for it before seeing The Odyssey earlier this year and couldn’t make heads or tails of what it was supposed to be about?

But people I trust have told me I should see it. My friend said “this is the type of movie you’re always crying about never being made!” I’ve stayed away partly because I haven’t liked many Tom Cruise movies made after Valkyrie in 2008, a movie about an almost successful assassination attempt on Adolf Hitler.

Digger, however, might go down as the biggest box office flop of the year. So far, through two weekends, the film has only grossed about $35 million globally, far short of the $300 million break-even point a spokesperson for the studio mentioned this week. I think I will try to see it later this week, not because I’m particularly excited to see it, but because I want more original non-horror films to be made these days!

I worry that the powers that be will see their spreadsheets and decide that the only original films worth the investment are in the horror genre. Studios look at the numbers right now and have decided that horror movies are what is working and not “original and interesting” movies of any genre. I’d love to see a young director like Backrooms’ Kane Parsons take on a political thriller or courtroom drama.

We live in an age of rampant political corruption; you can’t convince me that a well written movie about plucky underdogs finding justice against the rich, powerful, and corrupt wouldn’t do well right now. But with the entertainment industry firmly in the hands of the tech billionaires, I have my doubts that we’ll ever see these stories on the big screen again.

While I eagerly await the return of the thriller to the box office, I will continue to ho-hum my way through October. I hope you all have fun with the trick or treating and the spookiness of it all. I’ll be over here with my dog not watching horror movies. Hopefully there will be no trick-or-treaters at my place again this year.

This post was edited by s.e. smith and copyedited by Chrissy Stroop.