Ask The Flytrap: I'm Angry and Afraid Because Everything is Shitty
I feel like screaming all the time, but I'm apparently not supposed to?
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Let's get into it:
Dear Ask The Flytrap,
How do I live in a way that feels authentic to me when the world feels like it demands a curated version of me that's "acceptable" and "polite" when instead I feel like I should be screaming most of the time? Between watching the rise of politicians who would rather I not exist and wondering if the person with the pickup truck with nuts attached ahead of me is about to yell something racist or transphobic, existence is... exhausting. Every trip requires a silent safety calculation, and every glance that lingers a little too long makes me wonder if I'm going to be a headline for a hate crime.
I know the usual bits: self care, time with genuine friends, and disconnecting from "all of it"... but increasingly the world looks bleaker and it's hard to not get swept into the "we're totally fucked" boat.
I want to be happy.
I want to leave things better than how I found them.
But increasingly, the world does not want to love me back.
— Screaming Inside
Oof, I really feel this letter in my bones.
In the past eight months or so (honestly, maybe more) I've been taking very similar issues to my therapist on a regular basis, and there's really not much she has been able to say to help because I am simply, unfortunately, telling her about our shared reality of rising global fascism. As queer people, we are often given the advice you reference in your letter: Take care of yourself, find your chosen family, take time off from the news cycle. But lately, it's been very, very difficult to do that because it feels like the global swing to right-wing politics and culture is infecting everything we love, everything we hold dear, everything we used to make us feel better. In these past few months, I have often thought: Oh my God, they are destroying everything that makes life worth living. It's feels impossible to ignore what's going on, and when we look visibly queer in this climate, it's hard not to feel like there's a target on your back. Yes, it is so exhausting.
This is a burden that we will always carry as queer people. I've done enough therapy to understand this: I don't think this is genuinely surmountable by sheer will. As in, I can't rise above a structural hatred of who I am and who I love. Many people claim they are able to do this, but I have never truly achieved it. The only way this would change, the only way this would be a healed wound that becomes a tough, cool scar, is if the world changed their mind about queerness and transness and truly loved us back. But I want to be realistic: I don't think we are headed there right now.
To see a potential enemy in every person you come across is only hurting you.
In this bleak world, all you can do is find safe ways to express your rage, fear, hopelessness, and everything else in between.
In your letter I can see that your (correct) understanding of the current world has transferred into your daily interactions with strangers. This is a painful place to be. To see a potential enemy in every person you come across is only hurting you.
You said you know the usual bits of advice, but you didn't mention going to therapy to deal with these feelings of hopelessness and fear, which sound overwhelming and difficult. Finding the right therapist can help you navigate these feelings. I understand therapy isn't always accessible financially, but I do think this might help you express your frustrations in a controlled, safe environment. It's not enough to hang out with your friends or practice self-care when the world is falling apart, I agree. You have to go deeper.
I also think the crux of your question is about living in a society that consistently asks you to ignore all the horrors so you can perform politeness and acceptability. This, to me, is a particularly difficult thing to parse as a fellow member of society, and also something I talk about in therapy a lot. People are dying, people are becoming less literate, people are being deported for no reason, people are becoming more hateful than I've ever seen them, and I'm just supposed to keep living my life as normal? I also want to be screaming, like 24/7.
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And sometimes, I need someone to tell me that it's very okay for me to feel that way. So here I am saying that to you: You are completely valid in feeling despair right now. That is, in fact, the right feeling to have.
My second piece of advice would be not to suppress the screaming (it just gets louder), but to find how to express the screaming in a way that feels authentic and externalizing to you. The thing is, when society asks us to not feel something that we should be obviously feeling because we are human, we then start feeling guilty for feeling that way.
But we aren't in the wrong and we should feel that way. The trick is to be able to safely express those feelings. Is there a way that you could scream about all this safely? Could you go on a hike somewhere deserted and scream? Or do you have a friend that would let you sob at them for a while? Or a film that would provide you with some emotional catharsis? The reason I ask is that I know feelings and worries stay in my body longer if I don't find a way to externalize them. I do a lot of high intensity exercise and journaling (not necessarily together) for this very reason. If that's not your jam, maybe try to make some art about it; get paint and get down to expressing yourself, or make a collage out of newspaper headlines that make us want to scream. Explore new places and activities where you can put these feelings. Do this regularly. You need to shake off some of this hopelessness.
I wish I could fix the world for you, dear Screaming Inside. I wish I could fix the world for all of us. But while we can't, we have to find ways to cope with it.
— Nicole
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