Ask The Flytrap: I Would Like to Do Things with People, but How? And What?

Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info.

Let's get into it:

Dear Ask The Flytrap,

Hi! Quick question. I am (probably) autistic. My favorite form of social interaction is doing things in parallel with other people who are also doing their own things. Suggestions for places to go/activities to do to make more friends?

— Probably Autistic

I am the queen of hobbies. I aspire to try (almost) everything at least once, and I have done a lot over the years. Belly dancing, crocheting, hiking, salsa dancing, drumming lessons, wall climbing, watercolor painting—you name it, I have probably done it or have aspired to at some point. So I feel qualified to answer this question.

I want to start this advice by saying that there's a loneliness epidemic because we've all been taught to not tolerate friction, conflict, or difficulty in our lives by all the apps and services that purport to make our lives more convenient. This leaves us all unaccustomed socializing, sensitive to any misunderstanding or obstacle we might face.

When you take up a new hobby, especially if you want to make new friends, you should expect a friction period where you'll feel anxious about the people you're meeting (do they like you? did you say something embarrassing? The answer is usually no, by the way, but your brain might go that way) and the new skill you are learning (it's likely you'll get frustrated enough you'll want to quit, but learning something requires we suck at it first. It's actually pretty humbling). It's important that you endure this internal conflict period for a few weeks, if not months, so you can get to the nice part.

The nice part is when you've gone to do the hobby thing enough that people miss you when you're unable to go. The nice part is when you start chatting to someone and realize you have a lot of the same interests, and start hanging out outside of the hobby set-up. The nice part is when you can chat about the hobby with other people who are excited about it just as much as you are. It's so worth it.

I am prefacing my answer to your actual question with all of this because oftentimes, people imply that having a lively social life is something that comes naturally to me, as if I am this neurotypical extrovert who makes friends everywhere. The reality is that I have PTSD and anxiety, so it's not easy at all for me to make friends, it's something I've worked very hard to achieve. What drives me outside the house every time is the need to live my life, to not stay in my own safety bubble that leaves me lonely and depressed. And I think people are rarely honest about the bumpy path to making good friends during adulthood for everyone, not just neurodiverse people.

To answer your specific question: it's excellent that you've already identified your favorite kind of socializing. In general, socializing while other people are doing their own thing in parallel takes the pressure off because everyone's attention is on what they're doing, and not whether they're standing weird or pronounced something wrong. It's my favorite kind of socializing too!

My advice is that you think of the things you already like and figure out if there's a way to learn how to make those things from scratch. This might sound a little wild, but stick with me: capitalism also takes us away from the process of making things, which is usually a collective process. For me, I have always loved music, so four years ago I started learning how to drum so I could play in a feminist brass band. I don't play drums in that band anymore, but I made loads of friends I still hang out with to this day. It's a trick to get your brain to want to come back to the activity every week—making music just felt impossibly cool and pleasurable after a whole life of loving music—and in the process, you'll hopefully make friends.

If you can't find a class or group that's 100% right, try one that's 60% right for you—you might surprise yourself.

So if you, for example, like jewelry, maybe you can find a class to learn how to make jewelry with other people. Or if you want to learn how to collage, you can find a zine-making workshop. If you are interested in fashion, you could start going to a sewing class. Or maybe you could join a group that goes to the theater, or to museums and galleries, which gives you the option to socialize if you want. Artist talks and book launches are good for this too because the focus is always something other than ourselves. The possibilities are philosophically endless, but will probably be limited to your area. If you can't find a class or group that's 100% right, try one that's 60% right for you—you might surprise yourself with your learning of new skills, seeing new things, and maybe your new friends will bring fresh perspectives into your life.

The world is great and full of things. Now, go forth and look for your new hobby!

— Nicole

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