Ask The Flytrap: How Can I Roast My Annoying Coworkers Without Them Catching On?

Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info.

Let's get into it:

Greetings Ask the Flytrap!

Due to a recent series of staffing changes, my job has entered, as Alison Green would say, "your boss sucks and isn't going to change" territory. For boring reasons, I have to stick it out for a while.

I have a pretty deep arsenal of neutral ways to say, "Fuck you" (Okay. Thanks.) or "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" (That's an interesting way to go about it) and the like. I can turn a "hm" into an Acme brand anvil dropped from the sky. I have read the Simple Sabotage Field Manual twice. (nb: I actually love what I do and the mission of my employer so no actual sabotage is taking place. Some of it can be modified to put a stick in the spokes of an out of control executive.)

I love a diversity of tactics. To thinly veil this as an advice letter, would the Bog be able to advise me on more weaponized niceties by sharing ones you enjoy? (Or enjoy the concept of; don't blow up your own spots.) And do you have other subtle ways be politely devastating?

Love and deep sighs,

Butter Wouldn't Melt, Not That Anyone Could Prove With A Transcript

Dear Butter,

Andrea, here. What a delightfully, lightfully evil question! Here are a few of my go-tos for when people have lost the plot but I can't simply walk away:

• "Say more about that!" — I stole this from one of the nicest dudes I know, who uses it genuinely because he is a curious, big-hearted person. I myself? Use it for evil. The exclamation mark here is key, as it conveys kind and curious interest but I know that in my heart, I mean: Can you please the fuck explain this eminently atrocious shit. In writing. For your file, and perhaps also the lawyers.
• "Wow." — Punctuation is key, here, whether written or spoken. If said aloud, must be followed by none follow-up questions and only silence.
• "What's the deadline on this?" or "What's the timeline on this?" — Do not spring this on me at the last minute because you failed to plan adequately.
• "I never thought of it that way!" — Because I would have to be entirely devoid of a brain if I did so.

I also asked Flytrap cofounder s.e. smith to weigh in with some zingers, and they obliged:

Sounds like it's time to quiet quit, comrade! Do the least, with zest (and plausible deniability) followed closely by malicious compliance. And if there are ANY benefits you can milk, please do: All the sick time, all the personal days, max out your office stipend, all the professional development $$$, and remember to clock out at five on the dot and turn your phone/laptop off until 9am on the next business day.

The weaponized "Okay." (with period) followed by NOTHING ELSE is a classic for a reason! Depending on norms at your workplace, the lowercase "okay." can be even more pointed (if you're in Slack, for example, I know that in some companies people don't necessarily capitalize all the time so this is something no one can really call you on). Similarly for "got it, will do," "acknowledging receipt," and "thanks for the update." And as a person who becomes apoplectic about emoji responses to emails because this isn't a group chat and I don't need a "Butter Wouldn't Melt reacted 👍 to your message" email ... start using emoji reacts liberally.

"Could you say that again? I want to make sure I understand?" is a great one, even better if they say something absolutely wild and you can do the "I just want to double-check: You're saying you don't want me to sanitize the ice cream scoops at the end of my shift?"

Ultimately, what you really want to do here obviously is go off on these people and it can be really nice to think about doing that, but getting stuck in that place isn't good for you. Instead of thinking about this as "How do I let these people know they're awful?" think about "How do I care less" and "How do I seek validation outside of work so my frustration and anger don't take up all of my brain?"

— s.e. smith

Readers, do y'all have any devastatingly polite burns for our letter-writer? Leave them some advice in the comments!

Submit your queries about life, love, and everything else, and a Flytrap co-owner (probably Andrea, aka the Bad Advisor, though we'll float questions to the entire collective and find the right person for the job) will tell you what the fuck is up.

Submissions must be under 500 words, and while we can't guarantee we'll answer every letter, for those we do: we'll give you the best ideas we have about whatever the hell is going on with you. (Caveat, etc: we are not therapists, lawyers, accountants, actuaries, psychics, coaches, doctors, or anything besides a whole bunch of people who have lived through a bunch of nonsense.) If for some reason the submission form doesn't work, holler at us: advice@theflytrapmedia.com

Please remember that every submission has the potential to be published; we'll remove identifying details as we're able. Don't blow up your own spot, but please give us the goss.