Ask The Flytrap: How Do Poly People Manage It All?

Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info.

Let's get into it:

Dear Ask The Flytrap,

I'm interested in a polyamorous relationship model, but all the polyamorous relationships/arrangements I'm familiar with seem to take over the lives of the parties involved. I know they must be paying their rent somehow, but I never hear about their careers, hobbies, or even art projects (well, occasionally I hear about their art projects). Is it possible to have two or more committed romantic partners while also keeping other arenas of one's life active and vibrant without sacrificing communication?

—Saffron

Howdy, Saffron!

The rest of the Flyteam have informed me that I can't give a glib one-word answer to this question, but if I did, it would be "yes," followed by: Airtable. Airtable is not paying me to say this but there is a long-running joke about polycules using Google Sheets/Calendars to manage their lives for a reason—when you have a lot going on, you gotta find a way to keep track of it.

Okay, moving on. There are lots of different kinds of poly relationships and they can eat up more or less of your life depending on how you balance them and navigate conversations with your partners. If you are new to poly, I can see why you're a little nervous both about a new kind of relationship model and the fear of replicating what you see around you, but poly doesn't have to take over everything you do, I promise. As you allude to above, thoughtful, regular, and conscientious communication is essential—and do it regularly so it's just part of the rhythm of your relationships.

Having a rich life with all your partners and those you care about outside of a romantic and/or sexual relationship is important, and it's gotta be part of the relationships you build. Don't view this in terms of percentages of time spent with partners, comrades, and others because that is no fun, but do consider balance. Think about the things you enjoy doing, the things you want to learn, the people you want to see, and make planning for these things a deliberate part of your life. Make time to attend an art class; volunteer at your animal shelter; go on birding outings; join work parties doing habitat restoration; go to at least two community events a month to meet new people and see new things; whatever it is that brings you joy, and you can also share that joy with others to stay connected with your partners and people outside your relationship.

Do you want a standing dinner/movie/picnic date with a partner, a time you value and set aside to stay connected (even if you live together and it feels like you see each other all the time)? I think it's really helpful! You can do that with other people in your life, too—at least, if you're like me and have multiple social circles that don't always overlap. I have a First Friday date with friends where we get tacos, beer, and ice cream and check out the local art galleries; there's another group of us that regularly gets together for game night; and for many years, I hosted a craft night (I should start doing that again). That time is really important to us and we treasure it. I also make sure I have a downtime day once a week so I don't run myself ragged. You're not going to be able to do all of the things, and sometimes that comes with some FOMO, and that's okay.

Don't view this in terms of percentages of time spent with partners, comrades, and others because that is no fun, but do consider balance.

There are definitely going to be times when you want or need to spend a little more time with a partner for emotional support, a big trip, something you're excited about, and other fun (we hope) things, so build flexibility into your life that accommodates that. If you find yourself routinely turning down social engagements, date nights with other partners, and activities, though, probably time to reassess. In any conversation about that with the partner you're spending a lot of time with, it's worth noting that they also have their own partners and activities and friends so it's good to remind them to take care of the people in their life, too. And you don't need to keep a leaderboard, but do try to make sure you're doing as much reaching out as you're reached out to so you're actively engaging with people, rather than counting on them to do the work.

Seriously though, a shared calendar is a huge help for balancing your time,

s.e.

Submit your queries about life, love, and everything else, and a Flytrap co-owner (probably Andrea, aka the Bad Advisor, though we'll float questions to the entire collective and find the right person for the job) will tell you what the fuck is up.

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