Ask The Flytrap: Should We Get Married for the Bureaucrats?

Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info.

Let's get into it:

Dear Fabulous Flytrap,

My SO (30m) and I (40f) have been together for about two and a half years, friends for about a year before that, and we are facing the same problem that a lot of entirely independent and self-sufficient adults confront when contemplating a life together: How do you know when it's time to get hitched for the bureaucrats?

There really is no other reason for it. We have already mutually decided that our relationship ends in death. That is, one (or both) of us dying by way of accident or natural causes, or what have you, nothing macabre. We don't need priests involved. When it comes to friends and family, mine have all already accepted him and vice versa (in fact, his parents proudly call me their daughter-in-law to all the neighbors). So, the status of our relationship is controversial to no one. When it comes to giant parties, we throw one every year for our friends anyway, and anything bigger than that would give us hives. Thus, the fact of a wedding ceremony to us is a giant meh. We don't even need each other's health insurance (see below). The only reason we'd be doing this is for the convenience of Ye Olde Governmental Bureaucracy.

But, okay, when do we know when the conveniences have stacked up enough to do this? It basically boils down to lower taxes (both of us), faster path to citizenship by two years (for me, a foreigner in his non-U.S. country), saving approximately $1,400/year off grad school tuition (me), inheriting assets without friction (him), and legal recognition that we're each other's problem in the face of various emergencies. We don't have kids, we don't want to, and we don't own assets together larger than an absolute beater of a car.

Is this enough? Is it really? These considerations feel so bloodless and I'm honestly a little bit guilty I'm not jumping straight into the arms of our hard-won legal rights (we're both bi, even if we're in an outwardly hetero relationship). I also was married once before and the legal protections came in super useful when getting divorced, but see above about our current shared assets. And it also feels super nice to know I could walk away from things easily if I had to...something that at the same time I have no desire to actually do.

Help?

Signed,

Can't Get Enough Documents, Forms, and Signatures

Dear Can’t Get Enough Documents, Forms, and Signatures,

The best part about your situation is that when and if you get married is completely the decision of you and your partner. In your case, it seems like all you need is for the benefits of getting married to outweigh the hassle of it all.

If you’re looking for an outsider’s perspective, based on the information you’ve provided, the benefits would already make the move worth it. The pathway to citizenship and taxes alone represent huge expenses and wait time saved. Add in the cheaper tuition and I see little downside to getting hitched, as long as you both fully trust that the other is in it for the long haul.

Weddings have been pursued with fewer facts and logic!

I’m glad you mentioned inheriting assets, because it’s something a lot of people don’t really consider. You never know what tomorrow brings and you could be saving your partner a ton of time, effort, and money should the unthinkable happen to you. I can think of no greater gift to give to a loved one.

I hear you about walking away with less hassle should you want to someday (saying this as a divorceé myself), but the fact that you only added this as a throwaway line at the end after listing a half dozen really good reasons to get married kind of answers the question for you.

Also at this point, it doesn’t sound like you’d have many assets to split, making divorce in the near term relatively simple. That could all change in a moment, of course, but we can’t plan for everything.

I’d say go get eloped whenever you both have a weekend free and then the next time you throw one of your big parties, tell people you’re celebrating your marriage! You seem to know what you want to do here and are just looking for outside validation for the choice you’ve already made. So let me say it: you know what to do.

— Best, Katelyn

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