Ask the Flytrap: I Got Sick and My Friends Ghosted Me

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Let's get into it:

Dear Flytrap,

Long story short, a few years back, I went through a catastrophic and highly stigmatized illness (think, like, AIDS, or schizophrenia). During that time, almost all of my friends, including ones that I'd known for decades and I thought would stick with me through thick and thin just...stopped replying to me. I admit that I was suffering quite a lot at the time and therefore not fun to be around, but usually this was in response to me asking for specific disability-related accommodations I needed from them. I was utterly devastated. The suffering from the loss and social isolation were way, way, way worse than the actual illness, which on its own was AWFUL.

I am now contemplating going out there and trying to make new friends, because having no friends in the same city as you sucks (all of my friends who stuck with me lived somewhere else, for whatever reason). The part I am getting hung up on is: what if I make friends and this happens to me all over again? Like, can I effectively vet people? Everyone I was friends with before was vocally in favor of supporting people with disabilities, at least in a political capacity. And I don't want to lead with, "Hello, I'm < Name >.  Can you believe I survived < terrifying disease >?" I feel really stuck. How do I figure out a way to trust people again?

Signed,
Chronic Illness Babe

Hey there, Chronic Illness Babe,

I'm sorry for what sounds like a really bad time. I know what it's like to have friends drift away, how isolating it can be to have no local comrades, and how challenging it can be to decide what to tell people and when, even as someone who is very public about my disabilities.

You don't need to disclose your medical history to everyone you meet. You can control the timing, place, and how much you share. Yes, there's a possibility you will invest in building a friendship only to find out that someone is not actually someone you can trust, which sucks, but better to learn that and cut your losses before you have a crisis/flareup/major event.

My top recommendation, if you have the capacity, is volunteering. That allows you to meet people with a shared interest (say, dogs) and shared values: Dogs are important enough that someone wants to visit the shelter two days a week to walk them, and they want to volunteer their time because they care about the community. Bonding over shared interests and values can give you a connection to take outside the volunteer setting ("Want to meet up for tea sometime?") and start a tentative friendship. It's also possible you'll find other shared interests to connect on—"You like ceramics too?!"

It may sound dorky, but taking classes and joining clubs can be a great way to meet people too. Again, shared interests: Either you're interested in a thing, or you want to learn a thing, and hopefully everyone there feels the same way. Maybe this is your time to take up birdwatching, find fellow embroidery nerds, or connect with the local poetry community. You might even have skills you want to share or teach in these spaces too. Those connections build a foundation that can help you develop friendships.

Community events can be another avenue for low-stress ways to meet new people and get out and about in the world, especially when they are oriented around being social (in my town we just had The Longest Table, for example, which is explicitly intended to get you connecting to your neighbors). These can also be a great way to get a vibe check on someone, because the way they act at events will let you determine whether you like the cut of their jib, or if you think they're just going to be someone you politely smile at in passing.

If your situation doesn't allow you to leave the house, you have really limited time, don't do well in crowds, etc, you can adapt these things to accommodate your needs. You can check out Zoom meetups, for example, or find out if there's work volunteers could do from home with a lively mutually supportive group chat. Or you can decide to budget, say, three outside the house days a month and really make them count. Take the steps you need to stay safe, and don't push yourself...but do be open to new experiences.

Shared interests are important because they allow people to get to know you as a person, and as a clean slate, before learning anything about your history. Sometimes that humanization makes people more open to complexity; yes, you had < terrifying disease > and it was really scary, but also, you're a person. Weirdly, this is sometimes easier with a new friendship because they don't know you as you were before and they aren't going to play comparison games.

ALSO, you can learn a lot from people about how they behave in these kinds of shared spaces. How do people respond to access needs? Are they proactive about accessibility? Does this include physical and attitudinal access, e.g. there's a ramp for wheelchair users, but it's a place where derisive comments about mental illness are tolerated? Obviously the way these spaces accommodate your specific access needs or those adjacent is going to send a real clear message about whether the people in those spaces are good potential friends. As you painfully discovered, sometimes people don't actually live their values when the chips are down, so these chances to observe in the real world can be really helpful.

When you do feel comfortable disclosing, it might help to have some scripts in mind. Maybe that starts with just saying "How much do you know about < terrifying disease >?" or "I read an interesting article about <terrifying disease> recently..." If their response is...not great, you can move it along. If they're curious or even knowledgeable, then you can say "I'm not sure if you know this, but I had < terrifying disease >" and share as much or as little as you want about how it affects your life now. Bigger, more complicated conversations like "I'm afraid what I experienced might happen again" can come further on down the line as you feel more comfortable with people. Cool and good people are going to ask how to support you, not find ways to cut you down—even if at first they're a little startled or don't know what to say, and maybe respond awkwardly.

I'd also advise you to diversify your friend group with the goal of befriending people from different spheres/interests/areas of your life. Not to make this about me, but this is something I struggle with sometimes: I'll have a small group of friends and shared mutuals that sometimes I seek out a little too much from, without leaving them some space. Having a variety of friends who may not necessarily overlap (although they might see each other at parties I host, etc) means that I'm not calling someone up four days a week, every week, for social time. Instead, all kinds of people get blessed with my presence and are left wanting more, rather than dreading another text notification. Having a mix of friends can also really enrich your life, and won't get you into a position of feeling like you rely on a small number of people for socializing and support.

Sending good vibes for cool friends,

—s.e.

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