Ask The Flytrap: Should I Give My MAGA Grandma One More Chance Before She Dies?

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Hi Flytrap,

I cut ties with my (paternal) MAGA grandmother in 2022. We have argued about many things over the years, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was when she called my spouse (of only five months) a slur. Unfortunately her health problems continue to pile up, so I’ve been debating if I should attempt reconciliation.

Our family dynamic is a bit complicated. My parents died when I was young, and both sets of grandparents had a hand in raising my brother and me. Even though I lived with my maternal grandparents, my (paternal) grandma was the one who did the lion’s share of raising me. Further complicating matters, I now recognize a lot of her behaviors as emotionally abusive. (It’s been fun untangling all this in therapy!)

In my heart, I’ve forgiven her as much as I’ll ever manage, but I can’t move forward until she apologizes for disrespecting my partner. Everyone in my family is either unwilling to get involved, as is the case with my brother, or is in tacit support of my grandma. I can’t think of any other solutions, and I’m running out of time. Do you have any advice on how to come to some sort of understanding with her without sacrificing my sense of self?

— No Sacrifice

Hello, No Sacrifice —

It sounds like you've been through some rough stuff in your life. I can imagine that losing your parents at a young age can really amplify the otherwise mundanely mortal sense we all have that we're running out of time for anything, everything. Especially in this hellscape. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy, and happy that you have a spouse you care deeply about amid, as you put it, a complicated family.

The sentence "I’ve forgiven her as much as I’ll ever manage, but I can’t move forward until she apologizes for disrespecting my partner" is positively overflowing with exactly the kind of self-awareness you need to be able to really think deeply and productively about how (or whether!) to proceed with seeking some kind of resolution from/with your grandmother.

So: you have your north star, your mission statement, your truth. You've done as much as you can in terms of your own healing for now, and you know exactly what you need from Grandma if things between you are ever going to change. While I would dearly wish for you to have the support of your brother and your other family members, you're not asking me how or whether to address your relationships with them. (I could write a whole sidebar about how "unwilling to get involved" and "tacit support" are essentially the same things, and they both add up to "actually and actively very much in supportive agreement with grandma." But I'll stick to the prompt.)

What your other family members think or how they act is really immaterial; Grandma is the only one who can decide to make, and issue, the apology you and your spouse need and deserve. This is understandably anxiety-inducing. You ask how to make the approach without sacrificing your sense of self. I suggest instead backing up a step and asking: Can you make the approach without sacrificing your sense of self? Can you be prepared for any outcome? This is the part you really do have total control over.

Some guiding questions:

• What is the source of your current urge to reconnect with Grandma? Are you seeking peace for yourself and/or your partner? Is it just the slow march of time, the looming inevitability of death? (Spoiler: it comes for us all.) Is it a conclusion you came to after remembering the good times, and thinking: Gosh, what if we could get some of that back before she goes? Is it pressure from family? Maybe you watched a movie or heard a song that reminded you of her, and now you're wondering if you should reach out? If you're coming to this out of anything other than a desire to seek peace for yourself and your person, because you just can't rest unless you give Grandma the chance to do right, I would urge you to do more work in therapy before reaching out.
• If no apology is forthcoming, can you be at peace with yourself for asking for one, anyway? What if she says something even more hurtful or damaging in the course of things? Can you think of yourself as brave, forgiving, and open-hearted for giving her this one last chance to do the right thing? The thing she should have done immediately, urgently, and of her own free will the very moment she insulted your partner out of sheer shame and mortification and, one hopes, love for the grandchild she raised and their beloved partner? Or will you blame yourself for the attempt? If self-blame is on the table, I urge you to do more work in therapy before pursuing this.
• If an apology is forthcoming, can you genuinely accept it? Does the apology need to have a particular shape, tone, or content, else it won't feel adequate? Think hard about what you need to hear and how likely you are to hear it. Can you accept an imperfect apology?
• If the apology is forthcoming, is that really all you need? Or do you need to feel like developing a sense of emotional or even physical safety—both for yourself and your partner—with/around Grandma is possible in the wake of this apology? Be honest: Do you actually want her to change her behavior and/or her beliefs? Do you want Grandma to admit that you were right all along? Will you still quietly resent her if you get an apology on this one thing, but she's still blaring the MAGA news at Thanksgiving and calling everyone but your partner a < slur >?

I've left your spouse out of this thought exercise mostly because it sounds like you're on the same page; I'm guessing they don't mind you reaching out to Grandma or you'd have said so. But the degree of harm your spouse has experienced here does matter; I don't know the nature of the slur or how your spouse feels about being called such a word. I can imagine their reaction ranging anywhere from "LOL ok, the mean old bat sure tried it" to "I will never feel safe in that woman's general vicinity ever again." This part should absolutely inform how or whether you approach Grandma.

It is hard not to carry the worst parts of the people who raised us around with us every day, and to internalize their faults as our own, even if we don't share them and even if we actively rebuke them. You can be a warm, loving, person with strong values that run directly counter to your Grandma's emotional abuse and bigotry, even if she never apologizes for hurting you and your partner. And you are allowed to mourn the person she will never be and the apology you may never get. Grandma has many other people in her life who could help her do better, people who are perhaps not the ones on the direct receiving end of her slurs and abuse, and it sounds like they've chosen not to. So too, Grandma surely knows how to use a phone or write a letter, herself; if she's concerned about dying before she makes things right with her grandchild, I reckon she could find a way.

This is not a burden you have to carry alone, or perhaps at all.

— Andrea

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