Ask The Flytrap: What If I'm Too Much of an Imposter to Even Have Imposter Syndrome?

Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info.

Let's get into it:

Dear Ask The Flytrap,

Recently I've been given an opportunity to do work that I feel entirely unqualified for, but I feel passionately about. It's a dream job, really! I have no formal training in this area and I'm self-taught, lacking all of the fundamental knowledge it takes to be a Real Professional, yet the people who want me to work with them believe in me and have seen what I can do and want more. All of my friends also believe in me, and when I express my concerns and anxiety over failing and having them discover I have no fucking idea what I'm doing, everyone tells me I'm being hard on myself and it's just imposter syndrome.

I feel like I'm not even good enough to HAVE imposter syndrome. My anxiety about my abilities and things that can go wrong here is like a set of matryoshka dolls that nest infinitely. I have a history of spiraling and flaming out over this kind of thinking, having ruined opportunities in the past because I didn't believe in myself the way others did, and I do not want to and cannot afford to let that happen this time. I know this is a once in a lifetime chance to do good work with good people, and I don't want to fuck it up.

I've also been letting my mask slip and showing my anxiety about my abilities to the people who I'm supposed to be working with, and I'm worried they're going to change their minds if they see I'm lacking confidence.

What can I do to get out of my own fucking way before I mess things up for myself again? How do I stop myself from sinking my own battleship with my future co-workers? And how the hell can I get support from my people without them dismissing my very real concerns?

—Badly Faking It Until I Make It

Howdy, Faking It!

I am a CHAMPION perseverator who is also very good at fucking things up, so your letter really resonated with me. Let me start out with this: Have the confidence of a mediocre white man, because trust me, a whole lot of dudes would confidently walk into this convinced that they totally have it on lock.

This sounds like an extremely cool opportunity and you are selling yourself short; the fact that you've been asked means your prospective employer (or, if it's a new role at the same job, your current employer) likes the cut of your jib because they've seen you in action. I'm guessing they are aware of your experience and resume, which means they've taken those into consideration and believe you can do it—and might even consider what you think are shortcomings as an asset. Remember that everyone has to start somewhere, and good workplaces (unlike the Democratic Party) recognize this: They need to be training people up so they can be sustainable and continue the work. Also, the people looking to you actually are Real Professionals, so trust them to know what they want and need for their organization!

The fact that your friends are hyping you up is another point in your favor, because good friends would be realistic if they had reservations. If you're worried that your friends aren't being candid with you, enlist someone to be your "talk me out of it" friend: Have a conversation where they try to convince you that this job is not for you or that you're not a good fit. I think you'll find over the course of that conversation that this IS the job for you, because you'll have a chance to encounter your own arguments and push back on them.

Explain that the support you need right now isn't uncritical "You got this!!" but a reality check—and you may come out of that conversation feeling like you don't entirely got it, but you've got enough to know the areas where you need more skills and experience, and you have a plan for getting those things. You might even consider writing those out and adding to/refining them over your initial months on the job as you get the lay of the land so you have some specific things you want to bring up with your manager or colleagues. Depending on what kind of workplace it is, you can also ask for professional development like sending you to a workshop or conference or providing you with training materials.

Here's the thing: A lot of us fake it until we make it. We learn to do things by...doing them. For some people—a lot of us, actually, including me—that means being self-taught and learning on the job. Historically, and now, some jobs even require you to learn on the job: Many industries have a tradition of apprenticeship where people acquire job skills by working under supervision, like electricians and plumbers. Formal education is not required for many jobs, and in fact, there are a lot of conversations happening right now around moving away from degree requirements and credential expectations for roles where they are not really necessary.

Like, if you are being offered a role as a heart surgeon and you haven't been to medical school and residency, I have some concerns.

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But for many jobs, self-teaching, lived experience, and time on the job is the real credential you need. That's what this opportunity is offering you: A chance to work on something you care about, to learn alongside people who also care, and to put your self-teaching into action. And it's totally okay to say that you're a nervous or want some more mentoring—maybe this is a waste sanitation gig and you're not sure how to handle a trashcan that's way too heavy, so go ahead and say so! Being willing to admit where you see room for growth is another thing that recommends you, rather than working against you, as long as you aren't perseverating. Keep those anxieties to the group chat and long walks with friends. You might even consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions to work through some of these concerns (big fans of therapy at The Flytrap) and develop a strategy for handling them.

When it comes to getting support on the job, be assertive, and frame it not as "Help I don't know what I'm doing I'm scared!" but "This is a great chance to learn alongside people who are experienced—can you tell me more about how you handle XYZ?" The see one, do one, teach one is a great approach to learning on the job, because it's important to think about how, for experienced people, sharing that experience, mentoring, and supporting is part of their job, and someday it's going to be part of yours, too. It's okay to be a little scared about a big leap, but this sounds like a moment you do not want to miss.

I'm not quite sure where you're at in this process, but let this advice response be your nudge: Pick up the phone or keyboard, say "Yes, I'm so excited, let's do this," and welcome to the next chapter of your life.

—s.e.

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