Ask The Flytrap: I Desperately Need Some Sense Sassed Into Me
Little things are starting to really, REALLY grind my gears.
Welcome to your new favorite advice column from your favorite feminist journalism collective! New editions are published every Wednesday. Read on for the drama, the tea, and the commiseration—and if you want to submit a question, scroll on down to the bottom of this post for more info. This week, Andrea answers a special request from a reader seeking a Bad Advice-style takedown.
Let's get into it:
Dear Ask The Flytrap-
I've noticed lately that I have become increasingly irritated by small deviations to the social contract. Someone in line will not move forward leaving a gap wide enough that it confuses newcomers to the line, someone will take a meeting on speakerphone on my quiet commuter bus, a colleague will feign ignorance so someone else will do the thing for him, someone tries to haggle with the cashier at the grocery store.
I know that I am probably irritated at the immediate as a proxy for the [insert vague hand waving everywhere]. I know how to deal with these. I ignore them, I address them politely, I put on my noise canceling ear buds and listen to something soothing and or angry. I go into nature, yell at senators, give my money and time. I read and stretch and look at art.
What I don't have and would really appreciate is a Bad Advisor-style takedown of my irritation to carry in my pocket for the next time I want to pick a fight with a grandma for waiting until she's at the register to decide what she wants at a coffee shop.
Thanks!
—Grinding My Teeth To Dust
Dear Grinding My Teeth To Dust,
You know what? A grandma can eat shit. A grandma has had minutes upon minutes, perhaps tens or even dozens of minutes, to read the motherfucking menu. It's a coffee shop, Mema! GUESS WHAT THEY SELL?
There's one thing and one thing happening only in this world at any given time, and it's whatever you, Grinding, are up to. The world ought to take note and accommodate accordingly, and it is a great stain on humanity that your fellow denizens of Earth have not done so. After all, you're gracious enough to acknowledge the absolute Dumpster Fire that is society these days, and that signals an innate and expansive goodness in your soul. But no one can be expected to operationalize such beneficence in the face of those who use speakerphone on public transportation.
Have you considered thwapping an asshole upside the head in such circumstances and then fleeing into a cloud of invisibility powder? Headphones may solve the situation temporarily, but as you have sadly found, they don't address the vastly more disturbing underlying issue: A person who dares enter your presence without comporting themselves to your standards.
Where do these chucklefucks get off, exactly? Not before you at the bus stop, it seems, on a direct route to the bottom of the sea, where they and their lack of consideration for your personal comfort belong. The thing is, ole' Galileo whatshisname and his goofy-ass devotees in the "scientific community" can say whatever they want about how the so-called "solar" system works, but you are the center of [insert vague hand waving everywhere], to borrow your own very apt phrasing.
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Look, all of the behaviors you describe, to which you have been cruelly subjected by rank shitbags, are abhorrent in the extreme. But they are so particularly offensive because they are rooted in wholesale disregard for your comfort, which is most precious among humans. Please consider entirely abandoning your kind efforts to improve the world, which demonstrably cares not for you, its most esteemed and valuable resident. Success in life can only be achieved by viewing human relationships, whether long-standing or fleeting, as transactional exchanges for limited resources. It seems you have not yet internalized this reality, as you bizarrely continue to seek to improve other people's lives despite other people sucking a whole fucking lot, probably on purpose and at you specifically.
The only reason to do nice things for others is so you can get something from them in exchange. Ergo, if people who should know better—which is to say, all people—do anything that impedes your personal plan for getting home in time for two Matlock re-runs before bed, they are acting only to spite you. They couldn't possibly have anything else to concern themselves with on this god-forsaken planet that would explain any behavior that does not facilitate your personal ease and happiness. They deserve to be consigned to the worst annals of history. I think you know this, or you wouldn't have asked.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. — The Bad Advisor
Sidenote from Andrea: Friend, you are a delight for asking this question and for so clearly articulating what a misery it can be to live in the world these days. Know that I and many others feel as irritated as you about the way people do. What the hell is the matter with people these days???? Thank you for continuing to improve the world, despite the fuckery.
Submit your queries about life, love, and everything else, and a Flytrap co-owner (probably Andrea, aka the Bad Advisor, though we'll float questions to the entire collective and find the right person for the job) will tell you what the fuck is up.
Submissions must be under 500 words, and while we can't guarantee we'll answer every letter, for those we do: we'll give you the best ideas we have about whatever the hell is going on with you. (Caveat, etc: we are not therapists, lawyers, accountants, actuaries, psychics, coaches, doctors, or anything besides a whole bunch of people who have lived through a bunch of nonsense.) If for some reason the submission form doesn't work, holler at us: advice@theflytrapmedia.com
Please remember that every submission has the potential to be published; we'll remove identifying details as we're able. Don't blow up your own spot, but please give us the goss.